Understanding Codependency in Relationships

What Is Codependency, Really?

Traditionally, codependency describes relationships where one person sacrifices their needs or identity to meet the needs of another. This often roots itself in the dynamics of addiction. However, in today’s discourse, it has become a catch-all term for any strong emotional reliance, which can be misleading.

Why is this a nuanced issue that deserves greater attention? There are wonderful people in our lives whose nervous systems are wired for hyper-attunement due to trauma, autism, ADHD, or chronic invalidation. Let's strive to understand them better. If this describes you, let's work to understand you better.

When Your Nervous System Is Just Trying to Feel Safe

Many people mistake trauma-based responses—like fawning, people-pleasing, or emotional hypervigilance—for codependency. These behaviors aren’t about a character flaw; they’re survival strategies. When your nervous system has been conditioned to seek safety by staying close to others, anticipating needs, or avoiding disconnection at all costs, that is not dysfunction. It is adaptation.

The Impact on Queer, Neurodivergent, and Kink-Affirming Relationships

In queer and kink-affirming relational systems, interdependence and vulnerability are often more visible and necessary. Neurodivergent individuals may rely on external regulation, structure, or emotional mirroring from partners. Kinky dynamics may intentionally blur lines of power or caretaking. In these contexts, quick judgments about “enmeshment” or “codependency” can erase the depth and intentionality of these relationships.

Distinguishing Codependency from Trauma Responses

Here are some reflective questions that can help clarify whether what you're experiencing is codependency—or simply your nervous system seeking safety:

• Are you consistently betraying your needs or values to maintain connection?

• Do you feel panicked or shut down at the idea of space or separation?

• Do you feel resourced and restored by the relationship or more depleted and disoriented?

  
  

Remember: needing connection isn’t codependent. Wanting attunement isn’t a red flag. The key is whether there’s space for your full self to exist inside the relationship.

What to Do Instead of Self-Pathologizing

Rather than labeling your experience as codependent, try:

• Naming your nervous system state: (“I notice I feel anxious and afraid of losing connection right now.”)

• Practicing self-attunement alongside co-regulation.

• Seeking trauma-informed support that understands the difference between pathology and protection.

  
  

Healing Is Relational, Not Just Individual

Healing doesn’t always happen alone on a mountaintop. It often occurs in safe, reciprocal relationships where we feel seen, soothed, and supported. If you’ve been told you’re too much, too dependent, or too emotional... pause. You might just be a tender soul trying your best to feel safe in a world that hasn’t always made space for your nervous system.

The Importance of Connection

Connection is essential for emotional well-being. It fosters a sense of belonging and safety. When we feel connected, our nervous systems can relax. This allows us to engage more fully with ourselves and others.

If something in this article resonated with you or sparked deeper self-reflection, I invite you to reach out. Whether you're exploring patterns of connection, navigating identity, or seeking a more trauma-informed understanding of yourself, I'm here to support you.

Steven Garte-Wolf, MSW, LICSW is a humanistic, mindfulness-based therapist who supports individuals and couples in navigating identity, intimacy, and emotional wellbeing. With a compassionate, affirming approach, Steve helps clients build self-trust, deepen relationships, and move through life’s challenges with greater clarity and connection.