Why the Distinction Matters: Understanding Neurodivergence and Trauma

By Steven Garte-Wolf, LICSW

If you've ever asked yourself, “Am I neurodivergent, or is this just trauma?” you're not alone. This question is common among clients, especially those in queer, trans, kink, or polyamorous communities. Here, self-awareness and identity exploration often run deep.

The lines between trauma responses and neurodivergent traits, such as ADHD or autism, can feel blurry. When you've been masking for years or constantly monitoring how you're perceived, it can be hard to know what's you versus what's coping. But here's the truth: You don’t have to pick one. You can be both. You can be neither. You still deserve care that meets you exactly where you are. Ultimately, what you hope for is to be understood. You want the people in your life to have grace for your unique needs, just as you would provide them.

Trauma and Neurodivergence: What’s the Difference?

Let’s start with a simple distinction:

• Neurodivergence refers to brain differences that are present from early in life, such as autism, ADHD, and dyslexia. These aren't "disorders" that need fixing but natural variations in how people process information, regulate attention, and relate to the world.

  
  

• Trauma responses are adaptive patterns we develop in response to overwhelming experiences, often involving fear, shame, or helplessness. They can show up in how we relate to others, how we regulate our emotions, and how safe we feel in our own bodies.

  
  

Now here’s where it gets complex: they can look incredibly similar. Both trauma and neurodivergence can manifest as:

• Difficulty with eye contact

• Sensory overwhelm or shutdowns

• Emotional dysregulation

• Trouble focusing or following through

• Social fatigue or avoidance

• Over-functioning or people-pleasing

• Feeling “too much” or “not enough” in relationships

  
  

So, how do you tell the difference?

You May Be Asking the Wrong Question

Sometimes we get stuck trying to find a clear label to justify our experiences. “If it’s just trauma, maybe it’s fixable… but if it’s ADHD, is this just who I am?”

This binary thinking can be its own trap. It suggests that trauma and neurodivergence are mutually exclusive or that one is more “valid” than the other. In reality, many people experience both, and both deserve support without shame.

Trying to force your experience into a single explanation can delay healing and self-understanding. It can also steer therapy away from what’s actually most important:

• What’s causing you distress now?

• What helps you feel safe, grounded, and empowered?

• What parts of you are asking for attention, care, or permission?

  
  

What to Look for in Yourself (and in Your Therapist)

If you’re wrestling with this question, here are some gentle places to start:

1. Does this feel like it’s always been true for me, or did it emerge after a specific event or period?

This isn’t about finding a "root cause," but understanding the timeline can help. Neurodivergent traits tend to show up early, while trauma responses often follow a particular relationship or life stressor.

2. What are my sensory needs and thresholds like?

If bright lights, textures, noise, or crowds have always overwhelmed you, that may suggest neurodivergence. However, if those sensitivities appeared later in life, they could be part of a trauma response or chronic stress state.

3. What feels likeme underneath the coping?*

Sometimes we confuse survival strategies with personality. Getting curious about your internal parts, especially through trauma-informed or IFS-style therapy, can help you understand who developed what and why.

4. Am I getting therapy that supports both traumaand neurodivergence?*

Not all therapists are trained in both. You deserve a clinician who can hold the full picture of your experience without trying to squeeze you into a single box.

Empowering Both Narratives: You Are Not Broken

Whether you identify as neurodivergent, trauma-impacted, or both, you are not broken. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone to deserve care.

You might have learned to mask, hustle, or adapt. You may have been praised for your “resilience” while quietly falling apart. Now, you’re tired and wondering who you are beneath all of it. Therapy can help. Not because it has all the answers, but because the right kind of therapy asks better questions.

Final Thoughts

This question: “Is it neurodivergence or trauma?” matters, but not because you need a clear-cut answer. It matters because it reflects a deeper longing to be seen, understood, and supported as your whole self.

Let’s stop asking what’s wrong with us and start asking what has helped us survive. Let’s explore what it means to live, relate, and grow with care—whether you're wired differently, healing deeply, or both.

You deserve that space. You deserve that journey.

If you're ready to explore your experiences with a therapist who understands the overlap of trauma and neurodivergence, consider reaching out to me. I’d be honored to support you. If I cannot, I can recommend resources. Feel free to contact me to schedule a free consultation and see if we're a good fit.

Steven Garte-Wolf, MSW, LICSW is a humanistic, mindfulness-based therapist who supports individuals and couples in navigating identity, intimacy, and emotional wellbeing. With a compassionate, affirming approach, Steve helps clients build self-trust, deepen relationships, and move through life’s challenges with greater clarity and connection.